I am a mom to four teenage boys. Two have cell phones. Two do not. Two have seen horrific acts of violence on their phones in the last two weeks, two have not. I recently read a statistic coming out of the UK that 60% of children have watched real-world acts of violence on social media. I could imagine this is similar in the United States. As a mom, a Christian, and as one who has a master’s in counseling, this is both concerning and alarming.

As parents, what is both our calling and our responsibility as we shepherd our kids through the ever-growing culture of accessible violence via social media? How do we help our kids process these things? As I consider my own children and how to engage with them in this battle, five things come to mind.

1. It is normal to be curious

We can begin by affirming our children’s normal curiosity about current events. It was not Eve's curiosity about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil that was sin, but her curiosity opened the door to sin.

God has made us to be curious creatures. Our curiosity can lead us to wonder about God and his creation, to seek stronger and healthier relationships, to pursue greater creativity, and to discover many other profitable things. But our curiosity can also lead us to view and do things that are not pleasing to God. God has put safeguards in place for our good.

As we talk with our kids, we should affirm that God has designed them to be curious. At the same time, warn them that their curiosity is a gift to tend and not always a hunger feed. It may be that they are curious about what they are hearing from friends or in their social media feed. As they seek to navigate these treacherous waters wisely, we can help our children to first consider why they want to watch a particular reel or clip. Have they stopped to first consider what is both pleasing to the Lord and what is good for their hearts? Are they simply wanting to understand what others are viewing or would there be value in watching the clip?

2. Consider how what you view is affecting your brain and heart

When we see something alarming, it is often our tendency to try to move past it quickly, shove it down into our subconscious, and try to pretend like it was not seen. Conversely, we may instead go back to the event and watch it over and over, hoping in some way that rehearsing it and reviewing it will bring resolution.

Without realizing it, our brains can develop a compulsive cycle of seeking out scenes that evoke emotion. It does not matter whether we believe our brains can handle excessive trauma or not; the truth is that the brain structure itself is altered as we view more and more traumatic scenes. The areas of our brains that help us survive are triggered to overreact, and the areas of our brains that are wired for emotional regulation and memory are weakened.

I recently read an article about the lingering effects of the news coverage of the attacks on September 11, 2001. Evidence shows that those who watched more news coverage of the attacks were up to four times more likely to experience symptoms similar to PTSD than those who did not watch as much news. While we want to believe that our minds and brains are resilient and can handle endless views of violence, science shows that this simply is not true.

Beyond that, Scripture encourages us to dwell on "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (Phil. 4:8). There must be a conscious choice to both view and think about the things that God tells us will be best for us. We must help our kids consider whether they are making active choices about what they are viewing or if they are passively allowing things to cross their eyes. If they are being passive, what do they need to do to change this? It's not enough to simply acknowledge that what is being viewed is not helpful. Our kids need help in creating a sustainable path forward in learning what it is to contend for what is good and beautiful.

3. Don't just try to forget

If your child has watched videos that have left them feeling unsettled or shaken up, it is not possible for them to simply forget what they have viewed. Rather than encouraging them to just stop thinking about it, help them learn to intentionally think about something else. This is an act of taking “every thought captive to obey Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5).

In Matthew 12, Jesus tells a parable of an unclean spirit that left a person. When it returned, it found the house "empty, swept and put in order" (44). Jesus assures the believer that if the Spirit of God has swept the house clean, “the Kingdom of God has come upon [them]” (28). The issue, however, is that it is not simply enough to clean the house, it is not simply enough to dwell on the things of Philippians 4:8. Simple behavior modification is not the goal, but rather, there must be a growing reliance on the Spirit to dwell in us richly (Col. 3:16).

In this parable, the demon not only returned, but he also brought with him seven more spirits, more evil than himself. The evil spirit came back to an empty house, which made it easy to occupy. Had he returned to a house that was full of good, beautiful, and right things—a house where the Spirit of God dwelled—he would have been unable to re-enter this space.

This parable can apply to the way our minds work when we are exposed to traumatic events. We cannot simply forget what we saw; we must empty, sweep and put in order our minds, and beyond that, we must also then fill our minds with what is good, right, excellent, praiseworthy, and true. We must know that God has won the battle for our hearts, and he also wants us to learn to submit our minds to him as well.

We are called to be renewed in the spirit of our minds (Eph. 4:22-24), which takes an active stance rather than simply trying to forget what we saw. Regardless of if your child is struggling with what they saw online or not, encourage them to talk about what they experienced. What has left them feeling affected? Are they afraid? Are they grieving? Are they scared? Do they feel indifferent? How are their hearts affected by what they viewed?

4. Hate what God hates

We are so over-exposed to violence these days that it is easy to become numb to it. Likewise, it is easy for our children to become so accustomed to acts of violence that they are lulled into believing that these things are normal. The truth is, we need to help our children recognize that violence is not something celebrated or championed in Scripture—it is a result of living in a fallen world (Isa. 5:20). We need to create intentional space to help our children learn to grieve these things and not simply move past them.

Even my kids who have not seen the horrific, violent videos that have been posted recently, came home from school with stories from other children. As much as we want to protect our kids and shelter them from these things, if they are out in the world, they will learn of them to some degree. As parents, we need to set the stage of how we want our children (who are of an appropriate age) to understand these events. We must talk about these events with our children.

If your kids seem calloused or overly exposed to these things, help them recognize that feeling indifferent to these acts of violence does not reflect God's heart. Don’t shame them for feeling unaffected but guide their hearts toward the things God loves. Ask God to break their hearts for the things that break his heart.

5. Pray

Wherever your children may be on the spectrum of seeing horrific events online or hearing about the events from friends, take time to pray with them. Remind them that these events grieve God's heart, and he will bring justice one day. Do not just assume that because they are not talking about it, they are okay. Ask them how these things are affecting them. Invite them into conversation. It's okay for you to share with them how you are feeling as well. Model for your kids what it is to grieve and lament the brokenness of this world.

Beyond that, ask them if they could go back and do it all over again, would they watch these videos? If their answer is no, ask them how that knowledge can change how they move forward. Could they take a break from social media? Could they better curate their feed? Could they hesitate to open things from friends if they think it may be something that could lead them to struggle?

Pray with your kids. This is an opportunity for intentional and purposeful shepherding. It is not a time to allow complacency to rule. Our children need to know that watching these acts of violence is not normal or what God intended. They need to know that God's heart breaks over this evil. They also need help in learning what it is to contend for faith, truth, and peace.

At times, this world can feel overwhelmingly dark and trying to help our kids learn to navigate it wisely can feel incredibly difficult. We can find hope in remembering that Christ’s redemptive work is for every piece of our children’s lives, including what they may see on their cell phones. We can be encouraged that we are not alone in helping our children: God is faithful and will meet them with wisdom and grace. As our children learn to no longer conform to the patterns of this world, God has promised transformation through the renewal of their minds, leading to discernment of his will and an understanding of what is best for them (Rom.12:2). With God’s continued good and faithful work in them, they will be able to take off the old and put on the new (Eph. 4:24). There is ultimately hope knowing that one day, because of Christ, the reality of death and its sting here on earth will be gone. This battle we face with our children, while very urgent, is momentary in light of Christ’s victory. While it is very real and present today, one day "death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Rev. 21:4). What hope this brings.