In high school, I was in quiet crisis: reeling from abuse, hidden family dysfunction, and unspoken doubts about my faith, all while trying to navigate the maze of adolescence. I’d silently resolved that if one of my youth leaders asked how I was doing, I’d tell the truth—not the polished version but the honest one.

That conversation never came.

Close to a decade later, I look around at the teens my husband and I help disciple in our church and wonder how many of them are desperately waiting and hoping for someone to check in on them.

Youth leaders aren’t mind readers. Even so, we ought to be looking beyond surface-level signs of spiritual health. A student’s biblical literacy or the appearance of living in a Christian home doesn’t necessarily reflect the state of his or her heart. Relying on those markers alone is a risky practice. Scripture is clear that proximity to the things of God doesn’t always mean someone is walking closely with him—and when we mistake familiarity for faith, we can fall into several dangerous traps.

1. We risk giving our students a false assurance of salvation.

As teenagers begin to take ownership of different areas of their lives, they often start to examine their beliefs too—asking questions like “Is this really my faith?” and “Why do I believe what I believe?” This reflection process is healthy and can lead to a deeper, more personal commitment to Christ. But it can also stir up doubts and fears as they confront uncertainties for the first time.

Proximity to the things of God doesn’t always mean someone is walking closely with him.

If we assume our students are “all right” based on their family, church attendance, or outward appearances, we could issue them assurance of salvation in vain. And we risk missing out on gospel conversations with students who need them.

When we know our students well, we can help them examine their lives for fruit, evidence of the Holy Spirit’s sanctifying work in their lives (James 2:17). This kind of assessment allows us to either reassure them or to lovingly call them to repentance. Of course, as youth leaders, we cannot perfectly decipher the state of our students’ hearts—only the Lord can do that. But a leader who spends time with students, is genuinely interested in their lives, and isn’t afraid to ask personal questions is well equipped to serve them.

2. We miss the chance to intervene before a problem becomes a crisis.

My pastor often calls counseling “crisis discipleship.” Some crises come on urgently, while others brew slowly. What if we were able to help the right people step in with discipleship before crisis discipleship was necessary?

We can only do this by fostering real, honest, intentional conversations with all our students––even the ones who may seem fine. Depending on the size of your youth group and leadership team, having these kinds of conversations with every student every week might be impossible. But if you’re actively trying to have these touch points with different students every week, you stand a better chance of intervening.

However, that’s only the beginning. Quickly asking “How are you doing?” isn’t usually going to get you deep or vulnerable answers. The best way to have meaningful conversations is nearly always to focus on something else while you talk. For boys, this could be talking while you play sports or a board game. For girls, having a book club or a regular small discipleship group is a great way to naturally and consistently dive into conversation. And for both boys and girls, studying the Bible in small groups is an excellent path to broaching deep topics.

Don’t underestimate the Spirit’s help in this: You can’t do it without him. Before you spend time with your students, pray and ask the Lord for eyes to see and ears to hear your students’ needs.

3. We risk spreading whitewashed-tomb disease.

When Jesus confronts the Pharisees in Matthew 15, he quotes Isaiah, saying they honor him with their lips but their hearts are far from him (vv. 7–9; see Isa. 29:13). He later says their hypocrisy makes them like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside, full of anything but goodness on the inside. Teenagers are perceptive, and if they sense that appearing put together earns praise, they’ll perform. This is the lip service Jesus condemned: outward appearances without heart transformation.

Before you spend time with your students, pray and ask the Lord for eyes to see and ears to hear your students’ needs.

Our students don’t need more moralistic therapeutic deism. They don’t need to learn how to put on an act for church. What they need is an understanding of the fundamental brokenness that sin causes for everyone, and how the Lord in his grace chooses to work in and through broken people for his glory and our ultimate good.

If you have a chance to show students how Jesus meets us in the broken and sinful moments, you should take it. In an appropriate way, share how the Lord convicted you of sin, how he forgave you, how he led you to restoration with others, or how he helps you continue to fight sin. These are the spaces where real discipleship happens—not in polished performances but in honest conversations that point to a Savior who redeems, restores, and makes all things new.

Don’t Settle for ‘All Right’

It’s easy to be impressed by the student who shows up to every event and knows all the right answers. But Scripture teaches us to look beyond familiarity.

The call to youth leaders––and to all who disciple the next generation––is to move beyond assumptions, pursue genuine conversations, and point students not to themselves but to Christ. Because the good news of the gospel isn’t that we’re all right. It’s that Jesus came for those who aren’t.