I remember the details like it was yesterday. It was October 5, 2008, at 2:22 a.m., and my phone began to vibrate. Phone calls in the middle of the night are generally not great; however, it was not unusual for my brother, Barrett, to call at such hours. I picked up my phone, read his name across the screen and put the phone back down. Within seconds, I was prompted to answer his call and when I did, I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. I could hear it in his voice.

That night my brother took his life. My world was rocked. My mind was plagued with questions. “How could this happen? God, where are you? Why couldn’t I stop Barrett from doing this?”

Globally, research shows that someone takes their life every 40 seconds. Each person who has fallen victim to suicide has a different story, but they all have one thing in common: They leave behind family and friends who are completely devastated and in need of hope. Thankfully there is hope to be found in Jesus.. He alone changes everything for the family left behind, and He alone changes everything for the person who died by suicide if they had a relationship with Him.

Here are five ways to navigate a believer’s loss by suicide

1. Allow time to grieve

We tend to mask the hard, hide the painful, and want to rush into a sense of ‘normalcy.’ I remember being asked on many occasions after losing my brother to suicide, “How are you doing?” and my response was always the same. “I’m okay.” There are so many times I fought back tears, appearing strong on the outside while crumbling on the inside.

It’s easier to brush over circumstances, but suicide leaves a mark that leads to a roller coaster of emotions and experiences. One minute we may feel like everything is okay and the next minute feel like a complete mess.

The good news is that although our emotions waver in the grief cycle, God does not. He is unchanging, always near, and forever faithful. Hebrews 13:8 says Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is with us in the good moments and with us in the worst of moments. He sees, cares for, and meets us where we are.

Allow time to grieve a death by suicide. There is hope knowing that person who was a believer is now forever in the presence of Jesus. But there is also very real hurt today for those left behind. Make space to grieve. But also watch for the ways Jesus faithfully shows up in those deep moments of grief. Healing does not happen overnight, but we are able to look back and see the faithfulness of God over time.

2. Give permission to ask questions

Suicide is a harsh reality to face. The mention of it alone throws our minds into a whirlwind of questions we may never answer. From “How could anyone ever consider doing such a thing, especially a Christian?” to “How could God allow something like this to happen?” It’s natural to want to pinpoint the “why” behind such a permanent decision, but it’s not always possible.

What I’ve learned over the years is that it is okay to ask. It is okay to not understand. It is okay to be transparent. God can handle our questions; but what we then do with these questions makes all the difference. We can either ask them and run from God in our response, or we can ask these questions and run toward Him as we seek His response.

Jeremiah 33:3 says, "Call to me and I will answer you…" God is faithful to respond if we are simply willing to call out to Him—questions and all.

3. Turn to Scripture to distinguish truth from lies

I’ll never forget the first seminary class I attended after losing my brother to suicide. A guy raised his hand, the professor called on him, and he proceeded to ask, “Why do we tell families who have lost someone to suicide that their loved one is in heaven when we know this is not the case?” This guy had no idea what my family had just been through, but his comment led me down a trail of wrestling. “Why does he think suicide is an automatic ticket to hell? This isn’t biblical; is it?”

I’m forever thankful for the people who constantly pointed me back to the truth of God’s Word. Romans 8:38-39 says, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

What does this mean? It means that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Once we surrender our lives to Jesus, there is no mistake, fear, unwise decision, person, scheme, temptation, or anything that can separate us from God's love.

In moments where the enemy is doing his best to discourage, distract, or even destroy, it is the truth of Scripture that Jesus will use to guide our hearts and minds back to Himself.

4. Ask God to reveal His presence, power, and faithfulness

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” There were so many times I wondered where God was, who He is, and how He could possibly be at work amid such painful circumstances? There were moments I begged Him to show up, and I can point to hundreds of ways He did just that.

There were moments when I felt overwhelmed with sadness, and Jesus prompted friends to call and check-in to encourage me at just the right time. There were days when I flipped through the pages of Scripture, desperate to hear from God, and He led me to just the right verse to speak directly to my heart. Within 30 days of losing my brother, I encountered a young lady who was struggling with suicidal thoughts. God used Barrett’s story and our family’s journey to help her recognize Jesus’ love for her and her need for Him, and in that moment she surrendered her life to Christ and was saved.

These are just a few examples, of many, where God’s power and presence was on display. Ask Him to show up in your journey. He will. Through a phone call, an encouraging text, His Word, or an encounter with someone else who also needs hope, Jesus will display His power, presence, and faithfulness in and through your life. 

5. Walk the journey in community

The journey of grief during loss by suicide feels heavy. It feels dark. It feels lonely. I remember lying awake at night, replaying the circumstances surrounding my brother’s death repeatedly, and as the pain deepened, the feeling of loneliness widened. The enemy feeds on isolation. It’s in the quiet moments that he attacks our thoughts and seeks to discourage and distract us from the truth of Scripture.

Jesus tells us that in this world we will have trouble, but He doesn’t tell us to navigate these troubles alone. I think often of the paralytic in Mark 2. His friends knew Jesus had the power to heal him, and they did everything they could to get him to Jesus. They carried him on his mat, climbed up on the roof of the house, cut a hole in the roof, and lowered their friend down in front of Jesus.

Sometimes, we are the friend who carries others to Jesus, and sometimes we are the one who needs to be carried to Jesus. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

You are not alone, and God does not intend for you to navigate the journey in isolation. On multiple occasions, in His Word, God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us. He also promises to provide for all our needs in Christ Jesus. These needs include people who care and want to help lighten the load. Allow people to come alongside you and walk the journey with you.

Nearly 17 years have passed since my brother’s death by suicide. There are days when it feels like forever ago and days when it feels like yesterday. There are moments I’m just grateful and days I just miss him. Maybe you’ve heard the phrase, “It gets easier with time.” If I’m honest with you, this is not always the case. Sure, the new normal of life becomes more manageable, but over a decade later you may still feel the same pain at times. Wounds do heal, but scars can last for a lifetime. So, allow yourself the time to grieve, give yourself permission to ask questions, turn to Scripture, ask God to reveal Himself, and walk the journey in community. God will show up and do immeasurably more than all you can think or imagine along the way.