Cara Kernodle faced every mother’s worst nightmare on Nov. 13, 2022, when her daughter, Xana, was one of four University of Idaho students murdered in an off-campus home.

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The case immediately garnered national attention as the accused, Bryan Kohberger — a 30-year-old former criminal justice doctoral candidate — initially maintained his innocence; he has since accepted a plea deal, admitting guilt to avoid the death penalty.

The deal sparked various reactions among the victims’ family members. As for Kernodle, she told CBN News she was initially “shocked.” She was on a camping trip with her church when the news of Kohberger’s plea broke. Despite not having cell service, someone who went to check messages found a signal and came back, telling her what was unfolding.

“I was just very shocked and confused, because here we had this man who was proclaiming his innocence this whole time,” she said. “So, there’s been a lot of questions surrounding the case this whole time — a lot of unanswered questions.”

All of this has sparked confusion, which Kernodle said she believes is “not of the Lord.” With the grieving mom embracing the Christian faith after her daughter’s murder, she has wanted to keep focus on God. So, her perspective on the deal has changed.

“My initial reaction was a little bit angry, because I just felt like it was just too easy for him to just admit that he did it and not have to give an explanation or answer our questions,” she said. “And here we have been planning on going to this trial, and that’s not something you look forward to, but I think that all of us were wanting answers.”

Kernodle continued, “The Lord is just so good in helping me to understand that it’s OK that I don’t know everything, and that likely is for my protection. I may never know all the answers that I want. I may never know, and I know now that that is God’s protection, and that, even if I were to know why he did it or all the details, what is it going to change? Is it going to make me feel better?”

Ultimately, she knows the crime was a “senseless” act and that the more information that comes in, the more questions emerge.

“There’s never gonna be a good enough reason for why it happened,” Kernodle said. “So, I believe that, if we are supposed to know, we will know.”

Reaching this state of peace certainly wasn’t easy for Kernodle. She revealed how she was in a “bad place” after Xana’s murder, struggling with drugs and substances.

“And bad went to worse after it happened,” Kernodle said. “I wish I could say that that was my ‘aha moment,’ that that is when I ran towards Christ, but I ran towards drugs and alcohol instead and ended up getting to a place where I knew that I was either going to die living the way that I was or I could draw close to Jesus, and surrender, and change my life — and hopefully be able to show others Christ through this trauma that I’ve experienced.”

Despite facing time in jail after Xana’s death, Kernodle said she found Jesus and is now walking with the Lord, experiencing a radically changed life.

“I can’t say enough how much the Lord has changed my life and how much peace He has given me through all of this,” she said. “It’s a constant battle. We battle against not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual powers, spiritual wickedness.”

Kernodle said she found Jesus about a year after Xana’s murder in the midst of her most difficult struggles. Her new relationship with Christ brought her freedom, joy, and peace.

“I was arrested and I had to spend time in jail for 10 months,” she said. “I actually turned my life over to the Lord in a jail cell.”

Kernodle has been in recovery and has also navigated the difficult waters of forgiveness and healing, abandoning cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, and the vices that held her back.

“It’s been 18 months now, I’ve been completely sober,” she said. “I am completely free of every bondage through Christ. There’s just no other answer for that except for Jesus.”

In addition to Kernodle’s incredible life change, her remarkable decision to choose forgiveness has been deeply inspiring. She said forgiving Kohberger isn’t about him, but rather it’s about abiding by God’s commands and honoring Him.

“The Lord asks us to forgive, and He does that so that we don’t have to hold onto that bitterness, and that anger, and that hate,” she said. “Because it will destroy you, and it truly was destroying me.”

Offering forgiveness, she said, doesn’t excuse the actions of her daughter’s killer, but releases her from the bondage that often comes with unforgiveness — the “bitterness, and anger, and hate.”

“That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” Kernodle said. “And I promise you, it was nothing in me. It was all Jesus. I knew I had to surrender that — I knew I had to in order to begin healing and to be forgiven of my sins.”

Kernodle also reflected on Xana, calling her late daughter “amazing” and noting that she “lit up a room.”

“She was funny; she could make you laugh,” she said. “She had a way of making everybody around her feel important and special. She was a true gift from the Lord from day one.”

Ultimately, Kernodle prays that her life and testimony will help others who are struggling to overcome their struggles and cling to the Lord.

“People need to know that it is possible with Jesus to overcome addiction in the worst circumstances, and I’m proof of that,” she said. “If I can just help one person see that, no matter what you’re going through … it doesn’t matter what your circumstances are, the Lord … will redeem you. He will break all those strongholds if you allow Him to.”

Continue to pray for Kernodle and her family as they navigate grief.