Excerpt from The Man You’re Meant to Be: A Call of Self-Examination for Every Believer, Hypocrite, and Outsider by John Simons (© 2025). Published by B&H Publishing. Used by permission.

Many men seek help far too late. As a pastor, I sit across the table from men who know every bit of this cycle of loneliness, pain, and shame. Sometimes, they reach out because they’ve hit rock bottom and have no one else to help put things back together. It’s unfortunate, but the majority of the time, they’re also newly separated or divorced after their spouse learned of their sin that was done in the shadows. These conversations are always tough, because they hit home for me. 

I always leave these meetings wondering what could have gone differently. What could have changed, or what steps could have been taken so this wasn't another story of a collapsing family? The reality is that nothing about the inflicted pain that’s unfolding in that home will remain isolated to just this man across the table or his wife. It’ll fall upon each household member, no matter their age.  

Little do these men understand, on the other side of the table, it was me, as a teenager, who was on the receiving end of this kind of pain. For far too many of my friends who grew up in Orange County, CA, where there’s a revolting 58.8 percent divorce rate, this is just a regular part of life.  Of course, I’m not advocating that the normalcy of divorce doesn’t negate the sharp wounding of such, believe me, it doesn’t. You don’t have to be a sociologist to recognize our current decaying culture and connect it to the breakdown of the American family. There’s an emptiness, loneliness, and waywardness that we’ve not previously seen in our nation’s history, and it impacts every facet of our spiritual condition.  

However, the most challenging part for me now is that I constantly hear the same overarching theme throughout my conversations. I could offer a real-life example with a pseudonym name to help immerse us ourselves in these conversations, but the reality is: I don't need to. Many of us have lived this story and experienced this exact conversation after a friend (or you) asks to grab a meal and proceeds to describe the following life situation. 

For many years, he put his nose down to the grind and now wholly recognizes that he ignored the devasting growth of sin in his most private desires and thoughts. Though, looking back, he felt he needed to keep pressing on. There were bills to pay, vacations to take, and pricey purchases to keep up with the neighbors. Work also became an idol, and excuses were at the ready—projects that had to be done now and couldn't wait until Monday. On weekends, the only option was to divide and conquer, with one kid playing a sport here and another on the other side of town. He withdrew his presence as a husband and a father. There was no time to check in and catch up after a long week. As a couple, they had lost their connection and physical touch within their marriage.  

However, more excuses come forth: “We’re just in a busy season.” But the growing truth is that he didn’t care for, or desire to protect his marriage. And neither did he take time to care for himself, nor the vices that slowly took deep root in his life. And so, in all this busyness, one day, he made a detrimental decision that would bring all the accruing cost of wisdom from below that he’d been drinking for years. Now, pick your poison on the situation—maybe it was having an affair, taking comfort in booze and being arrested for a DUI on the way home, or being caught hiding a porn addiction. That list of examples could be far greater and grows by the year. But whatever the nature of the fall, there’s always a significant catalyst moment when his wife decides to kick him out and serve him with divorce papers.  

And when I ask something to the tune of, "But, why did you not seek help or say something sooner to a friend or me?” He replies along the lines of, “because, even if I knew exactly what was so broken in my life, I probably would have just seen it as a tension to manage, not a problem to deal with.” And here’s the thing: he’s probably right. Far too many of us are running towards burnout because we have adopted the cultural lifestyle of an unexamined and unsustainably hurried pace of life, not just for ourselves, but for our families, as well.  

The Quiet Life of a Disciple 

The unexamined life has consequences. It’s not a question of if things will come full circle in our lives, but when. And the only men who don’t take stock of such a statement are the same fools attempting to outrun it. But more than that, for those who claim to follow Jesus, busyness (over long periods) absolutely counters the healthy spiritual formation God desires for our lives. As Paul reminds us in his letter to the Thessalonians, we should aim our ambitions towards living a quiet life for God so that our daily life wins the respect of outsiders. In direct contrast to the rushed pace of this world, we should learn the tempo of a slow, quiet pace of life, which remolds our hearts and minds toward peace, self-examination, and gratitude in God. 

In The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, John Mark Comer suggests that love and hurry are often incompatible. Even more pointedly, he contends that the great enemy of having a thriving spiritual life is, in fact, our own busyness. I couldn't agree more. When our fuel gauge runs low (or empty), the unintended consequence is a lack of prioritization to examine, clean, and care for our soul. So, please hear me when I write this: Busyness will eventually bury you, whether it’s physically, mentally, or spiritually. In fact, our lack of willingness to slow down will slowly but subtly grow to be the Enemy’s greatest way of deceiving and distracting us from God’s will for our lives.  

The devil wants nothing more than to overwhelm our schedules and cause turmoil in our daily rhythms. Because if we’re always on the run, we won’t have time to slow down and be with God. We won’t have a moment to take in the forest from the trees and ask ourselves, “Is this the life I truly wanted?” And here’s where we return to Paul’s words to the Thessalonians: If our life greater reflects the rat-race of every other father in the neighborhood, it’s rather difficult for others to notice God working in and through us. When our ambitions align with the chaotic pace of this world, our daily rhythms and values will reflect such, whether we come to acknowledge it or not.  

The sly strategy of the devil in the rat-race lifestyle is filling our minds with the idea that it just costs time and money. In reality, it yields itself to be a perfect opportunity for him to start seeding unhealthy and sinful desires from below much deeper into our hearts. And when those deeply planted toxic seeds grow into roots, it’s simply a matter of time before they influence our character and actions, producing more significant burdens upon our souls.  

I know you think this won’t ever be your story. Let me share some wisdom from the other side of the table—that’s what they’ve all thought too. I’m telling you, the lack of concern for your family’s hurried rat-race pace of life can be the starting place for what leads you to sitting across from a friend or pastor, with your hands over your face, saying, “I feel so stupid. I can’t believe it’s come to this.” More often than not, these words are genuinely spoken from a now embarrassed but convicted heart. But nothing about the authenticity of their words changes the situation they now find themselves in, nor the fact the enemy knew it was always possible that they would arrive at this dreadful place all along. 

Our increasing loyalty to busyness—whether it’s for our work, dreams of success, or family commitments—is just one way we ignore the sin and strongholds we are building up in our lives. It's become the central excuse for many men feeling stuck in a dry, empty spiritual place. Otherwise, I wouldn't have interweaved it in our discussion. But truthfully, it's just one mistaken way among many, including an overreliance upon human willpower, that we put on blinders and set up roadblocks to real-life transformation. It leads to forfeiting what God really wants with us—an honest and vulnerable relationship—for something far less—a shallow consumer-driven relationship, which dishonors God and His best for our lives.