In today’s world, we see an earnest desire for friendship. Friends are often elevated above the status of family members or considered ‘chosen family’ in and of themselves. They are glorified, posted, and reposted on every social media platform. Young adults are on the relentless hunt for their future bridesmaids and groomsmen, and in our professional lives, we’re often told, “It’s all about who you know.” Ultimately, I believe friendships are sought after as an answer to a longing in all our hearts: to be known and to be loved. 

It’s not without good reason that we value our friendships. Since 2020, and even before, we’ve all felt at least a whisper of society’s loneliness epidemic, and in some cases, friendship may be the antidote. As an extrovert, people pleaser, and verbal processor, I relish verses like Genesis 2:18, which informs us that “it is not good that the man should be alone.” Hebrews 10:24–25 instructs us not to give up meeting together, and Proverbs 17:17 reminds us that “a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

And yet, when my husband Casey and I moved to Louisville two years ago to follow God’s promising, mysterious leading for our lives, we didn’t know a soul. Still, I was optimistic that God would soon provide us with a community that met my ideal standards. After all, it isn’t good for us to be alone, right?! To be clear, it isn’t, and community is a good, beautiful thing that God designed for us (Gal. 5:13–14). In community, we get to not only enjoy others but also to serve and love them like Jesus would. It is a good gift! 

Without community, though, I felt more depleted and vulnerable than I had anticipated. I struggled to find joy in my everyday life, which always came naturally to me. My sense of inner security and peace felt shaken. I struggled to resist the enemy’s lies that because I hadn’t made many friends, I was unloved, not enough, or had lost my touch in this season of life. And after weeks and months of this ache, I began to wonder if this was something bigger than simply missing my loved ones in different cities. 

Lonely, But Not Alone

Maybe you find yourself stuck in a sticky web of loneliness, too. Like me, you might have moved away from your friends or your family, or maybe you’ve never felt you had true friends to begin with. Loneliness can leave our hearts tender because God wired us to be fully known and to find confidence and identity in that fact. As we experience isolation, we not only feel distant from a friend’s encouragement but also weary from the enemy, who often attacks when we feel most vulnerable. In these ways, loneliness can feel like a particularly painful burden. This is especially true when we live for Jesus and know he provides all we need yet still feel so unsatisfied. Why do we feel profound sadness while simultaneously believing God is our portion? Are we bad Christians? 

It’s hard not to hate that a season of our lives might be characterized by loneliness, but I’m beginning to wonder if that’s the point and if God might have something for us even now. David illustrates how our longing and God’s lordship go hand in hand in Psalm 146:1–7: 

“Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul! I will praise the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being. Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish. Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever, who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry.” 

While I meant well in searching for community, what if the Lord meant to use my loneliness to reveal an idol I was serving? What if I had let community (even godly community!) take the place of God in my heart? And what if the pain was there to remind me that there is no salvation to be found in the perfect friend and no security in humanity’s best laid plans? 

It’s no wonder that, for a time, my loving Father told me no as I begged for people to do life with. Sometimes his “no” is his kindest answer because, as much as we long for friends, what we most desperately need is to be fully known and fully loved by our Creator. If knowing and loving God is not our primary pursuit, it won’t matter how many friends we have—we’ll always come up feeling empty. How much more does God know what we need and desire than those around us? How much more is he able to fill that need because he intimately understands us? My community doesn’t know the number of hairs on my head, but he does (Matt. 10:30). My community doesn’t know how I’m feeling on any given day unless I share with them, but he knows (Ps. 139:1–2). It is the Lord whom we must fully love and depend on. 

When we neglect God’s capacity as Immanuel, God with us, the idolization of community can become real in our spiritual walk. But when we choose to attune ourselves to God’s presence, we can encounter his saving truth and love afresh and realize we’re not alone. We can quiet ourselves long enough to receive answers that perhaps we’ve been continually longing for. We can depend on God more deeply than we ever have before, and in this dependence, become more fully alive. 

In Christ Alone

So yes, community is a good thing, and it can become an idol when we primarily seek to be known and loved by those around us. Both can be true. Our friends can’t provide what only God can do in his power and love for us; in fact, our relationships often thrive when we keep our human limitations in mind and maintain healthy, attainable expectations for our friendships. Keeping Christ at the center of our relationships and adoration enables us to live well in both solitude and community. 

In solitude, I’ve learned more about who God is and his desires for my life than in many past seasons. I’ve become more attuned to the fact that in our questions and confusion, God is always there listening, responding, or even waiting for us to notice him. I’ve realized that he is both our God and our Friend. He is our all in all, who gives us more and more reasons to praise him with each passing day. Truly, intimacy with God is the answer to the ultimate desires of our hearts—not only that, but it makes us better disciples, better community members, and better friends. 

May we live in this season with the first fruits of our love directed toward the God of the universe, our truest Friend, and count it an extra grace to persevere in our faith alongside the brothers and sisters he places in our path.