Twenty-plus years later, I can still picture the glee on my daughter’s face as she squealed out her response to the question that always concluded our times of discipline:

“What is now true?”

“Clean slate!”

Initially, our kids didn’t understand what this meant. My husband and I hoped the day would come when “clean slate” became not just scripted words but a balm to their souls. We wanted nothing more than for our children to know God’s redeeming love for them—that in Christ, their sin was forgiven and their slates were clean.

We knew that for our kids to understand the magnitude of God’s love, they’d have to know the depth of their need for his forgiveness and grace. Therefore, we resolved early on that, though it’d be laborious, we’d use the discipline process as an opportunity to shine a spotlight on our kids’ hearts and point them to their need for a Savior. We set out to establish discipline in our family that was grace-based, heart-centered, and gospel-driven.

Perhaps that’s your desire in parenting too. But you’ve probably figured out by now that it’s easier said than done. Sometimes there’s a disconnect between our desires and intentions in discipline and how we carry it out. What might it practically look like to implement grace-based discipline with our kids?

Four Practices for Grace-Based Discipline

By God’s grace, as we moved from toddlerhood to the teenage years, the scripted teaching that preceded understanding paved the way to rich, fruitful conversations accompanying discipline. Our way of discipline isn’t a formula that guarantees our children’s response. Nor is what follows an exhaustive philosophy of Christian parenting.

But we found that responding to our children’s sin with these four practices helped us carry out discipline with great hope in the gospel’s power.

1. Approach with compassion.

As parents, we’re in the same sin-sunk boat in need of rescue as our children. Knowing our hearts’ propensity toward sin—not just generally but specifically—should cause us not to be surprised by their sin. Rather, it should lead us to be more gracious toward them in their sin.

This doesn’t mean we won’t feel disappointed, upset, or angry. But when we consider the extent of our sin, we can carry out discipline with compassion instead of responding in shock or approaching our children as if we have it all together. This is the way of Jesus. Despite having no sin of his own, he moved toward sinners with compassion. It’s God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Rom. 2:4).

Practically, entering in with compassion as we discipline our children may look like a calm voice, a hug, and an affirmation of our love. There may still be consequences, but a voice of compassion will do far more to open the door to a redemptive conversation than yelling, shaming, or judgment.

2. Target the heart.

Sin is inward before it’s outward. Desires become elevated to the ruling idols of our hearts. Therefore, we need to help our children see beneath the presenting “bad” behavior to the sin underneath the sin.

For instance, a young child who grabbed a toy from his sibling has given in to his desire to please himself rather than love his neighbor. A teen who stole makeup from the drugstore may have been led by her desire for her friends’ approval.

Sin is inward before it’s outward.

When our children were very young, we identified the root sin or idol for them. To help them begin to identify their own sin as they got older, we asked questions targeting their inner thoughts and desires: “Were you feeling jealous when your sister got all the attention?” “Did you lie because you were afraid of looking bad?” “Did you want to hurt your sibling because you felt hurt?” With older children and teens, sometimes we could simply ask, “What do you think led you to this behavior?” Exposing the idol or heart motivation reveals our children’s sin at a deeper level and highlights their great need for forgiveness and grace.

3. Proclaim Jesus’s grace.

We need to point children again and again to what Jesus has done for us—his perfect life and sacrificial death in our place so we can have God’s favor. But don’t just talk about it abstractly. Personalize the gospel to the sin at hand.

For example, Jesus never gave in to the temptation to put his desires above others. He didn’t take from others to please himself; he gave to others to serve them. He never gave in to sin to gain the approval of others; he endured the scorn of men to please his heavenly Father.

Jesus was perfect in the specific ways that we fail. But he took our sin and punishment so we could have his righteous record. Jesus’s perfect record is how God sees us if we’re in Christ. This is the transformative grace of the gospel our kids need to hear. We all do.

4. Lead to repentance and restoration.

Children need to learn to ask for forgiveness from God and others. Pray alongside them, giving young children words to repent of their sin and ask God for forgiveness. Then guide them to seek forgiveness from other people they’ve sinned against.

Don’t just talk about the gospel abstractly. Personalize it to the sin at hand.

You may also need to give consequences for the sin. Grace-based discipline doesn’t mean we never hold our children accountable for their actions. The child who took a toy from his sibling may lose the opportunity to play with that toy for the rest of the day. The teenager who stole makeup from the drugstore will need to make restitution and may be grounded. Consequences help our children understand the seriousness of sin.

But when you follow a grace-based approach, your child knows the consequence isn’t a penance to pay to earn back your favor or God’s. This is where our “clean slate” script fits in. Grace-based discipline is lovingly leading your children to see their need for a Savior and to rest in Christ’s work to forgive their sin.

These practices have been helpful for our family. But despite our best intentions, we didn’t always discipline with gospel grace. At times, our sin got in the way, and we had to repent. Thankfully, what we teach our children is also true for us as parents. When we confess our sin and shortcomings as we discipline our children, God is faithful and just to forgive (1 John 1:9). So we can ask ourselves, “What is now true?” And we can declare with joy, “Clean slate!”