The Gospel Coalition

Imagine you’re sitting across the table from a church friend. You’ve known him since he began attending the church a few years ago, and for the last several months, he’s been a part of the small group you lead. He shares with you over coffee that his marriage isn’t great. His wife, in his words, is controlling, demanding, and constantly critical of him. “I’m extremely angry,” he shares. “To be honest, I go back and forth between angry outbursts and withdrawing to daydream about what life would be like if I never married her. She drives me crazy.” Here’s a different scenario. You’re a women’s ministry leader in your church, and a young woman tells you she’s been hurt by another member—a friend of hers and yours. But when she opens up about the offense, you struggle to track with her. The accusations are vague, and it becomes evident she’s reading offenses into what seem to you benign comments. One more hypothetical. A few single thirtysomethings in your church request to meet with the elders to discuss “problematic” developments. During the meeting, they share that they’re offended by how the pastor has, in three consecutive sermons, applied the text to marriage and parenting but never once to singleness. Additionally, the church is planning a marriage-focused Sunday school class in the fall, without offering a corresponding class on singleness. They demand a “listening session” where the elders hear them share what it’s like to be a single in the church. To Validate or Not to Validate? Each of these cases is unique. But each raises questions: How should you respond to the feelings (angry, hurt, offended) being expressed? Should you validate or challenge them? If you’re a pastor, you face these questions all the time. On the one hand, in an effort to show grace, you want to validate the feelings of those who confide in you. On the other hand, in an effort to pursue truth, you want to redirect or steer them away from misleading emotions—and the potential sins and idols they reveal. How should you respond in delicate situations like this? Contemporary Leaning: Validate! The solution in contemporary culture is simple: We should always validate feelings. This is an important tenet in modern therapy: “Validation helps (people) feel heard and understood, reducing feelings of isolation and promoting emotional healing.” “Validating someone shows you understand their feelings and point of view, even when you disagree.” “Validation helps a person feel cared for and supported. Yet, too often a person can feel that their inner experiences are judged and denied. This can lead to low self-worth or feelings of shame.” Validation isn’t without biblical support. One could argue, for example, that the psalms—with the language they give to anger, grief, betrayal, and doubt—are a divine validation of our emotions. Or consider Job’s story. He lost everything, and in response, a torrent of anger, outrage, pain, confusion, and depression poured out of his mouth. His friends, at first, sat silently, mourning with him, letting him grieve and “process”: “They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” (Job 2:13). But the moment they began to correct his response, they fell into sin. Better Response Does the spirit of the age, then, align with biblical wisdom, or should we be wary of the rush to validate? What’s a biblically wise approach to responding to emotions and knowing when—and when not—to validate them? Here are three recommendations that might help as you assess the right response. 1. Differentiate between acknowledgment and validation. It’s unhelpful to validate some emotional responses. James said, as one example, that “the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). But it’s also unhelpful to pretend people aren’t feeling something they’re feeling. We should learn to recognize what those around us are feeling first, before rushing to affirm or correct. We can be emotionally perceptive without being enslaved to emotions. Acknowledging the reality of emotions is different from evaluating their health or helpfulness. We can help people feel heard and loved without affirming them in their sin or idolatry. Acknowledging the reality of emotions is different from evaluating their health or helpfulness. For example, to the young woman in scenario 2, you might say, “It sounds like you’re feeling hurt. I’m sorry about that. Can I ask you why her words were so hurtful to you?” This lets her know you’re there for her while opening the door to further discussion that may shed light on the illegitimacy of those feelings—or may reveal that your initial suspicions were off and the friend’s comments were indeed unkind. 2. See feelings as a thermometer rather than a thermostat. A thermometer tells you what the temperature is; a thermostat directs the temperature. As a counselor friend of mine said, “Emotions are helpful information.” In the case of the husband in scenario 1, his anger is an important revelation. It’s good to know he feels angry. But the fact of his anger is one thing. What actions will he take in response? If he puts that anger in the driver’s seat, he’s going to make bad decisions that worsen, not improve, his marital problems. He needs to learn to submit his anger to the Lord. You should consider asking him what God asks Jonah: “Do you do well to be angry?” (Jonah 4:9). More helpful than validating others’ emotions is helping them respond to those emotions and—if necessary—redirect them. 3. Practice situational wisdom. Proverbs 26:4–5 (CSB) gives apparently contradictory advice: “Don’t answer a fool according to his foolishness or you’ll be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his foolishness or he’ll become wise in his own eyes.” But it’s not a contradiction when we grasp the underlying assumption: Wisdom is situational. We’ll answer a fool differently depending on the situation. As a counselor friend of mine said, ‘Emotions are helpful information.’ In scenario 3 above, your wisest move might be to give the frustrated single members the hearing they desire—if you know them to be mature, humble people who have been committed to your church and demonstrated submission to Scripture over time. On the other hand, your wisest move might be to correct them clearly and directly, even at the risk of their departure from the church, if you know this is just another round of immature antics from chronically angry folks known to regularly stir up trouble and division. Tread Lightly These steps won’t make everything easy or every decision straightforward. It’s possible to handle a situation with the utmost love, care, and wisdom and still get accused of spiritual abuse and gaslighting. Sadly, in our cultural moment—when helping others “feel cared for and supported” is seen as the highest good—anything short of full validation of feelings can be interpreted as being cruel or abusive. You might also try to act wisely but misstep. Sanctification and soul care are messy work. But we’re instruments in the hands of the Redeemer, who uses us to extend grace and peace to one another. Let’s seek him in prayer, and lean on his wisdom, as we traverse the sometimes difficult terrain of emotional life.

Courtney and Melissa talk with New Testament scholar (and Melissa’s husband) Mike Kruger about the excellent evidence that Jesus physically rose from the dead and the difference that makes for our lives. Dr. Kruger points out that because Jesus predicted his own resurrection, it validates his claims to be the Son of God and the Messiah. Dr. Kruger highlights the resurrection’s transformative effects on early Christians, including their willingness to be martyred for their faith. Related Resources: Did the Resurrection Really Happen? (TGC Hard Questions) by Timothy Paul Jones 3 Reasons to Believe in the Resurrection Why Is the Resurrection Good News? Discussion Questions: 1. Why do you think the resurrection continues to be questioned or dismissed in our culture? 2. Why is the resurrection not just one doctrine among many but central to the Christian faith? What would Christianity lose if the resurrection weren’t true? 3. What evidence of Christ’s resurrection is particularly compelling to you? 4. Read 1 Corinthians 15 together. Paul says that if Christ hasn’t been raised, our faith is futile—but if he has been raised, everything changes. As a result, what should change in our view of suffering? our courage in evangelism? our fight against sin? our hope in death? 5. How does the knowledge that Christ is alive and reigning without rival make a difference in your life right now?

It’s crazy how fast this has become normal: Ask a question to any artificial intelligence (AI) chatbot, and you get an instant, in-depth answer, even to a spiritual question. AI is already showing up in everyday Christian life. People are using it to generate prayers and devotions, get quick answers to “Is this sin?” questions (with a Bible verse citation or two), and even generate small-group discussion questions instantly. In each of these examples, it’s possible AI could churn out a biblically accurate answer. But the danger isn’t purely a matter of misinformation; it’s a matter of formation. The real issue is what habitual AI use does to us. It turns into muscle memory that, over time, will reshape basic Christian habits like what we pay attention to, what we expect, and where we look for counsel. Biblical spirituality isn’t mainly about having an instant right answer. It’s about our slow formation into Christlikeness by the Spirit, through the ordinary means God gives us, like Scripture, prayer, and the life of the church. The spiritual danger of AI is that it might condition us to take shortcuts in the means God uses to form disciples. Here are three ways this can quietly compete with biblical spirituality. 1. Attention Atrophy AI trains our attention in the wrong direction. Instead of wrestling with God’s Word, meditating on it, or studying it, we’re tempted to turn to AI to acquire quick summaries and immediate takeaways. It gives us the (false) impression that biblical wisdom can be imparted to us in fast bullet points. The spiritual danger of AI is that it might condition us to take shortcuts in the means God uses to form disciples. But God’s Word isn’t meant to be skimmed or summarized. Scripture should be read, heard, meditated on, and obeyed. What can the “attention atrophy” problem look like? A person opens his Bible and asks AI to summarize the chapter before he reads it, because studying it on his own feels challenging or inefficient. It’s easier to ask AI to explain the verses in simple terms, rather than the believer sitting with the verses, comparing context, rereading, and praying. Another person listens to a sermon and asks AI, “Give me five applications for my life,” instead of praying through self-examination. Over time, the speed of AI will likely accelerate the decline of attention spans and atrophy our muscles of focused attention. 2. Expectation of Less Friction With instant answers comes the expectation that instant is best and struggle is wrong. This can normalize a “friction-free” spirituality that assumes growth should be quick and painless, that our devotional life can be “optimized.” But in the Bible, God frequently forms his people through waiting, wrestling, suffering, and obedience—sometimes over painfully long periods of time. The way God forms us often feels inefficient and suboptimal. Think about how seemingly harmless uses of AI might subtly shift our expectations about spiritual growth. People are already asking AI to give devotional encouragement that makes them feel closer to God. They’re generating personalized quiet-time plans tuned to their schedules, personalities, and specific areas of desired growth. They’re asking AI to help them make life decisions or provide clarity, even about what God might want them to do. If we normalize these sorts of AI-optimized spiritual practices, we’ll be tempted to see friction and wrestling as avoidable impediments to spiritual growth rather than as opportunities to lean into God through faith. 3. Dependence on AI Shepherds AI can provide users with a “private shepherding” experience. This creates a temptation to bypass the pastoral relationships God designed. Consider what this growing dependence could look like. Someone uses AI for advice as her first stop when she feels anxious, tempted, or burdened by doubt, but never confesses her sin, asks another person for prayer, or invites accountability from a fellow Christian. A person feeling hurt by his church asks AI to help determine motives and blame and to give advice on whether to leave the church, without ever pursuing a conversation or reconciliation with the church leadership. A Christian struggling with recurring sin asks AI for reassurance that she’s saved, instead of praying, going to the Bible, and allowing her church to speak into the situation. Even if the counsel AI gives is biblically sound, it’s still spiritually detrimental if it trains people to rely on AI for what God intends to mediate through his Word, his Spirit, and his people. Five Principles for Pastors Every pastor should take the time to understand the implications of AI use for spirituality so he can address them directly in his particular ministry context. To that end, here are five simple principles you might teach and model in your local church: 1. Read first, then ask. Don’t start with AI summaries of Scripture (even in Logos). Read the passage, pray, and sit with the text, then use tools only as a secondary aid. 2. Pray before prompting. Don’t turn to AI for advice or reassurance before turning to God. 3. Seek pastoral counsel on serious issues. If you need input on matters involving ongoing sin, accountability, conflict, or major decisions, seek pastoral counsel and real people in a trusted church community, not AI. 4. Be clear on AI’s limits. Teach your congregation that AI can provide information (sometimes false information) but not true biblical wisdom. It lacks spiritual authority. 5. Talk openly about AI use. Encourage regular discussions in your church about people’s use of AI. Encourage a careful approach that involves community input as we weigh potential opportunities and hazards. As AI transforms the world, the church needs to remain faithful and clear about what the Bible teaches about spirituality. AI doesn’t just give answers; it trains our instincts. We need to address now how those instincts might, over time, lead Christians and churches in spiritually malformative directions.