“When a guy runs with a backpack on and looks like a prepubescent turtle.”

“Yes! Or has his rain jacket draped over his backpack.”

The group of girls sprawled in the living room of my dorm burst into laughter, one of them quickly taking to her notes app to write down these two new ideas. I tossed my bag on the ground and took a seat, eager to learn why backpacks had become the topic of conversation while I was in class. Unsurprisingly, my friends weren’t having a conversation about backpacks but were instead talking about the things men do that instantly make them unattractive. Not kicking puppies or punching old ladies but little turn-offs that instantly give you a feeling of repulsion. These behaviors are called “icks.”

“I’ve got another one. When a guy has to stand on his tiptoes to reach the top shelf.”

“Wait, but I would get the ick if he used a step stool as well.”

Everyone laughed and continued, adding the two contradictory icks to the list.

A lot of this was just girls having fun in the privacy of their home, saying things they didn’t mean—which I know because many of the girls have boyfriends or fiancés who exhibit multiple icks on the list. However, we shouldn’t simply brush off the concept of icks as lighthearted conversations between friends.

As a recent New York Times article explains, the ick trend has become widespread and public. It’s shouted from the social media rooftops and trendy blogs. It’s easy to find thousands of versions of the ick list, each one chipping away at people’s self-esteem and our society’s understanding of covenantal relationships—one backpack wearing, smoothie-bowl eater at a time.

What’s the Big Deal?

The problem isn’t just the message of inadequacy that ick lists send. Icks also inform how people navigate relationships. According to a 2023 survey, 49 percent of adults surveyed had ended a relationship due to getting the ick. The New York Times article offers readers advice on determining whether particular icks are deal-breakers in a relationship.

Icks inform how people navigate relationships.

Why do people feel the need to kill relationships over minor flaws that often hold little weight in the bigger picture? What does it matter if a guy sleeps with socks on if he’s kind, funny, and respectful? Aren’t we risking dismissing potential partners before giving ourselves a chance to see them as complex, multifaceted people?

I sat down with Will Chenault, a seasoned couples therapist and pastoral counselor who works at the Pratt Clinic in Jackson, Tennessee, to hear his perspective on the damage the ick trend is causing.

“We live in a world that’s lost the vision for covenantal relationships that work through forming and shaping and molding,” Chenault says. “[In the marriage covenant] you’re saying, ‘I’m committed to you even in your idiosyncrasies, even in those things that may drive me crazy.’ There’s still something of refinement in that, a refinement of my own character. Now, [icks] is not about deeper character issues more than it is just really shallow and superficial. And I think that probably goes to the culture’s disposable view of relationships and the shallowness of our culture. We’ve lost a lot of our ability to go to those deeper places.”

Changing View of Relationships

These concerns can apply to men and women, ick list or not. Ick lists are one symptom of the larger problem: Our society views relationships as transactional, not covenantal. Culture pushes the idea that a relationship is all about what you can get out of it, and if it’s ever inconvenient or annoying, you should move on to the next one.

This philosophy is likely related to people’s unwillingness to get married. According to an analysis of U.S. Census Bureau data from the Pew Research Center, in 2019, 38 percent of adults ages 25 to 54 were neither married nor living with a partner. While some of these situations resulted from divorce, most involved people who’d never been married. Divorce rates have been decreasing in recent years, not because more people are choosing to stay together but because fewer people are getting married in the first place.

Ick lists are one symptom of the larger problem: Our society views relationships as transactional, not covenantal.

“Transactional relationships are really all about me and about my own consumption. It’s not about blessing and giving and pouring out for the good of others,” Chenault said. “In any relationship, we all have those flaws. We’re in process; we’re growing; we’re being refined, and that often happens in the realm of the relationships that are closest to me. And that’s part of the sanctification process. That’s a part of becoming like Jesus in the way we love and the way we relate to others.”

Believers Beware

Icks aren’t a harmless trend. They foster a shallow understanding of relationships. When we evaluate someone as a potential partner based on inconsequential habits or tendencies rather than on traits like character, intellect, and spiritual maturity, we treat him or her like an object without emotions or worth. And if icks keep us from pursuing relationships with otherwise godly potential mates, we may be robbing ourselves of the God-ordained blessings of covenant marriage.

Covenant marriage blesses not only the couple but also those around them because it was designed to reflect the covenantal relationship between Jesus Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31–32). This isn’t just a New Testament idea though—marriage has reflected God’s relationship with his people since the very beginning (Isa. 54:5). When we live out a covenant marriage, we give the world a glimpse of Christ’s forgiveness and perfect love as we forgive each other’s failures and love one another sacrificially (Eph. 5:22–30). We reflect the love of God that is freely given to the least deserving, not earned by the least icks.

The world’s lies are attacking the concepts of covenantal relationships and sanctification. Sin tries to deceive us as Christians into believing that trends like ick lists are harmless fun, but we must be on guard against the damage they can cause.

“Christians are called to do relationships differently than the world,” Chenault said. “For Christ followers, we know God is gracious with us, he is patient with us, he is long-suffering with us, he refines us, [and] he sees those things in us that need to grow and change. And that’s more of a Christian vision for relationships versus the really shallow ‘I don’t like the way he wears his socks.’”