This year, I realized that while my wife and I had put a lot of thought into protecting our daughters, we’d not been as intentional in entrusting them with more responsibility and freedom. We were keeping them safe but not thinking about how to give them opportunities to grow into greater resilience by taking on risks and new responsibilities.

The apostle Paul often compares ministry to parenting, whether in describing his care and affection for the churches, or his love for Timothy as a son in the faith, or an elder’s qualifications. So it’s no wonder that the cultural tendencies we see in parenting show up in missions. And in our current moment, many missionaries think more about protecting and caring for those they aim to reach and less about long-term maturity.

Although popular parenting trends don’t always acknowledge this, the goal of parenting isn’t simply to protect your children. It’s to prepare them to thrive—even after you’re gone.

Likewise, missions isn’t just about sharing the gospel and then providing spiritual care for new believers. It’s about preparing local congregations to thrive for generations after the missionary is gone.

Do Less

Parenting is a gradual process of doing less and supporting your kids’ independence more. That’s because teaching requires persistence and patience, especially when your children are slow to learn and you just want to get them to bed. In ministry, too, transferring responsibility is hard, especially since you can’t control how people respond. But when you do it thoughtfully, others are equipped for the future.

Missions is about preparing local congregations to thrive for generations after the missionary is gone.

The work it takes for me to teach a rising preacher to stay close to the text in his sermon is much more laborious than just preaching myself, in the short run. It may be true that no one in my church can preach as well as I can. But if I want anyone to preach faithfully after I’m gone, I need to be willing to endure some sermons that aren’t as good as mine. I need to let the church sit under teaching that’s faithful and fine, rather than insisting that I, the most qualified chef, cook every meal.

Two nights ago, my 5-year-old daughter brushed her teeth without supervision. Progress! Last night, we were out way past bedtime, and she was so exhausted that I brushed her teeth for her. That’s fine. But if I have to brush her teeth for her when she’s 15, something is disordered.

The young brother may have some real stinker sermons. He may have days when he needs you to hold his hand all the way through a really difficult passage. But if after 10 years, that brother still can’t handle the text without you working through it with him, something is disordered. There may be other significant reasons why he’s not grown. But one reason may be that his spiritual father isn’t thinking past this week’s responsibilities and so is depriving him of the chance to learn.

Become Less

Some people’s parenting styles seem far more about their own sense of fulfillment rather than their children’s prosperity. The amount of work they do seems to tell you how important they are in their children’s lives rather than how important their children are to them.

Similarly, missionaries often struggle to separate their personal worth from their service to others. I’ve seen missionaries struggle with purposelessness once a local church has homegrown elders who can bear the pastoral load. I’ve seen missionaries rejoice that their converts have grown but struggle to rejoice that their disciples are sharing the gospel without them. It’s as though their own activity, rather than others’ maturity, had become the goal.

So they lead every Bible study they can. They show up and mobilize local believers for every event or activity in the church’s life. They volunteer to fill every need. But if missionaries only measure their faithfulness by how full their hands are, when will they ever think it’s time for local believers to lead the way?

I love Christians who want to serve. I love men and women who are clearly thinking of others and how to help them. But if you, a missionary, feel you have to address every need, you’ll become the spiritual parent equivalent of the mother-in-law who shows up every week to do her grown kids’ laundry.

If the Lord has used you to bring someone to Christ, to teach him in his spiritual youth, he’ll look up to you. Praise the Lord! But just as parents must eventually recognize that their children are adults, missionaries need to aspire to see local Christians grow in maturity and competence to also do the work of ministry—not as mere assistants but as colaborers. A missionary who remains the center of relational and even organizational activity in the church has failed in a fundamental part of the work.

Celebrate More

Parents who do everything for their kids aren’t happy. They’re worn out and don’t seem to be encouraged. They might tell you they love their children, but it seems like they love even more to talk about how hard parenting is.

Missionaries need to aspire to see local Christians grow in maturity and competence to also do the work of ministry.

Some missionaries are likewise worn out by the work. But to unpeel their grip from a particular ministry is unthinkable. The work of ministry regularly pushes all of us beyond our own strength. That doesn’t mean that living on the edge of exhaustion is proof of faithfulness. We sow, another waters, but God gives the growth (1 Cor. 3:6).

Learn to look for how God is working through others—especially the very disciples you’re investing in. Practice giving praise to God not just for conversions but for when a young believer takes faltering steps toward exercising leadership. Rejoice at that hard conversation a local believer navigated without your supervision. Rejoice at the church that was able to resolve a significant dispute between members while you were on furlough. Celebrate young believers who grow so much that they can give you sound biblical counsel about your life. Allow those you saw come to faith to grow into fellow colaborers who exceed you in wisdom. Celebrate them first in your heart. And celebrate them out loud.

Every good parent hopes her children will exceed her. We ought to pray the same thing in missions. Don’t approach missions as if you’ll be the permanent parent, finding fulfillment in how much you can do for others. Approach it like a parent who knows that while his children might be small in faith for now, they’re only little for a short time. The goal is that they stand before the Lord, mature and complete.